Wow. To be honest, I would really like to skip this post. In order for me to write it, I have to A. Own up to the fact that we are failing at it. And B. Be way more honest and open than I am comfortable with. But, I would really like to complete every day of this challenge so here we go.
If you want to know how we met, here is the post I wrote about it. We have only been together for about 4 years. We knew we wanted to have a family together, and we knew that we didn’t want to send them to day care and that I would stay home with them while keeping my job working from home.
We were doing pretty good. Maggie was born, it was amazing! John’s dad died in August of 2011. Things changed for John after that. I can’t tell you what exactly, but he has changed. Shortly after, we got pregnant with Charlie man. Throughout the pregnancy, John was pretty hard on me because the house was a mess. He was right, it was. All the time. This pregnancy was tough on me. I got light headed so I had trouble picking up the floor. And I got lazy…well, not really lazy, tired, but he saw it as lazy. We began fighting all of the time. He can’t stand a messy house. Guess what folks…now I have two kids and the house is still a mess. I do what I can, but it doesn’t seem to be good enough.
I try to talk with him about it, but he gets defensive when I tell him how I feel. It just leads to fights. I can’t explain how many nights I have laid there and cried. I am at a loss of what to do about it. I want to stay together, I want to be a happy family, but we seem at a loss for how to make it work. I know it doesn’t help that he works out of state for weeks at a time. When he gets home, within an hour or two, he starts spazzing at me because the house isn’t clean enough. When I know he is coming home, I work extra hard to get things cleaned up because it is such a big deal to him. It isn’t to me, I expect toys all around, we have a toddler.
When he is home, I get frustrated because he just ups and leaves with his friends to do whatever he wants. I sometimes miss the freedom to take off when I want, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world! I don’t know how to get him to understand why it bothers me that he feels that he needs to hang out with his friends and do the things he has always loved at the expense of spending time with us, or we are just plain broke so the kids and I do nothing to save money while he gets to spend it.
I don’t feel like he has any respect for the fact that I am not the one making all of the money. I work really hard, every single day, every single night. I do have a job, a real job. I don’t work too often, but I do have one. And I have my blog.
I ask what he thinks I am doing to cause problems and he won’t give me an answer. Then tells me that the house being a bit messy isn’t a big deal. I’m at a loss as for what to do. Finally, I gave in and wrote him a letter. That way he can read it when he wants to and can’t cut me off because he doesn’t want to hear my feelings. I told him what I expect and need in this relationship. We will see how it goes, maybe 2013 will bring better times for us. I pray that it does.
I hope this doesn’t sound like a total rant, although it probably does. That’s just our relationship. We fight. A lot. It sucks. He’s a good guy, but I just don’t see that side of him all that often anymore. Don’t worry, I definitely don’t think I am perfect. I just don’t know what to do.
But my darling kids, I love your daddy. I have all the faith in the world that we will figure this out.
I always ask a question at the end of my posts. I have no idea what to ask here. What is your relationship with your spouse like? Good, bad, ugly? Any ideas on what to do for John and I? I fully intended to spend my life with him and raise lots of babies, but it isn’t going well.
I am having the same problems. It seems when babies come into the picture we are seen as just moms instead of women. Try presenting yourself as a woman more and dont take crap. If that means you go to work outside the home a few days a week to have extra money do it. Or find a great sitter a few times a month and get out of the house! A little me time does wonders for relationships!
That is very true. I am hoping that once he is working again and we get back on top of things that I can join the gym again. That definitely made me feel better before. Me time is a very big deal and a huge part of my love for this blog.
This is a very personal (and painful) post–it’s very clear that you are hurting. It seems like maybe you two are having trouble communicating, which is step 1 in creating an action plan to improve your relationship. Is there someone you two could meet with to act as a go-between to help you two communicate and understand each other? Maybe that sounds like a big step, but better to take a big step earlier than later.
We are definitely having trouble communicating. Something we both know but haven’t figured out how to fix just yet.
hoping you guys manage to get on the same page soon. All it takes is a split second realization. hang in there momma. you were strong for being honest. super appreciate you sharing. its hard to admit when youre struggling. very brave for putting it out there as well as asking for advice.
Thank you! It was super hard to share and makes me very nervous.
That sounds like a very tough position to be in :/ Few people ‘get’ how hard it is to stay home and raise a family unless they have done so or are doing it themselves. Hopefully in time you’re husband will realize the effort your put into the family and appreciate it. Perhaps you could pursue marriage counselling? Having a mediator to help you two work through your problems may be very beneficial if you both are meaning to work through all this?
We have talked about how much work staying home and raising these kiddos is. Some days, it is clear that he gets it, and some days it completely slips his mind. I’m hoping we can find a way to appreciate what it is that the other one contributes and treat each other as equals.
When I was first married, someone gave me the book,’Created to Be His Help Meet,’ and when I read the first bit, I wanted to spit on it and toss it in the trash. I had never heard anything like this before!
A few years later we were knee deep in discontent, yelling fights, and sometimes worse. Someone said that the best security blanket a child can have is for his parents to respect each other and it made me think of the book. Knowing I showed my husband very little respect at the time, I felt compelled to pick back up the book. Somehow it started changing me. Change is slow, and things aren’t perfect, but they definitely get better. I’m now a firm believer that I have to put my spouse above my children (except for a newborn or a very pressing need of a child obviously), even if he acts like he doesn’t need / want it. But trust me, we ALL benefit from it.
Hmmm, I haven’t heard of that book before. Maybe I will pick up a copy and check it out. Thank you for sharing!