Wow. To be honest, I would really like to skip this post. In order for me to write it, I have to A. Own up to the fact that we are failing at it. And B. Be way more honest and open than I am comfortable with. But, I would really like to complete every day of this challenge so here we go.
If you want to know how we met, here is the post I wrote about it. We have only been together for about 4 years. We knew we wanted to have a family together, and we knew that we didn’t want to send them to day care and that I would stay home with them while keeping my job working from home.
We were doing pretty good. Maggie was born, it was amazing! John’s dad died in August of 2011. Things changed for John after that. I can’t tell you what exactly, but he has changed. Shortly after, we got pregnant with Charlie man. Throughout the pregnancy, John was pretty hard on me because the house was a mess. He was right, it was. All the time. This pregnancy was tough on me. I got light headed so I had trouble picking up the floor. And I got lazy…well, not really lazy, tired, but he saw it as lazy. We began fighting all of the time. He can’t stand a messy house. Guess what folks…now I have two kids and the house is still a mess. I do what I can, but it doesn’t seem to be good enough.
I try to talk with him about it, but he gets defensive when I tell him how I feel. It just leads to fights. I can’t explain how many nights I have laid there and cried. I am at a loss of what to do about it. I want to stay together, I want to be a happy family, but we seem at a loss for how to make it work. I know it doesn’t help that he works out of state for weeks at a time. When he gets home, within an hour or two, he starts spazzing at me because the house isn’t clean enough. When I know he is coming home, I work extra hard to get things cleaned up because it is such a big deal to him. It isn’t to me, I expect toys all around, we have a toddler.
When he is home, I get frustrated because he just ups and leaves with his friends to do whatever he wants. I sometimes miss the freedom to take off when I want, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world! I don’t know how to get him to understand why it bothers me that he feels that he needs to hang out with his friends and do the things he has always loved at the expense of spending time with us, or we are just plain broke so the kids and I do nothing to save money while he gets to spend it.
I don’t feel like he has any respect for the fact that I am not the one making all of the money. I work really hard, every single day, every single night. I do have a job, a real job. I don’t work too often, but I do have one. And I have my blog.
I ask what he thinks I am doing to cause problems and he won’t give me an answer. Then tells me that the house being a bit messy isn’t a big deal. I’m at a loss as for what to do. Finally, I gave in and wrote him a letter. That way he can read it when he wants to and can’t cut me off because he doesn’t want to hear my feelings. I told him what I expect and need in this relationship. We will see how it goes, maybe 2013 will bring better times for us. I pray that it does.
I hope this doesn’t sound like a total rant, although it probably does. That’s just our relationship. We fight. A lot. It sucks. He’s a good guy, but I just don’t see that side of him all that often anymore. Don’t worry, I definitely don’t think I am perfect. I just don’t know what to do.
But my darling kids, I love your daddy. I have all the faith in the world that we will figure this out.
I always ask a question at the end of my posts. I have no idea what to ask here. What is your relationship with your spouse like? Good, bad, ugly? Any ideas on what to do for John and I? I fully intended to spend my life with him and raise lots of babies, but it isn’t going well.