I don’t get along with my to be in laws. Not because I don’t try, but because we are so very very different, we have absolutely nothing in common except for John. It sucks. They bad mouth me to him all the time. They tell me I am a bad parent because I don’t change my daughter the second she wakes up from a nap or that once in awhile, she may have a dog hair in her diaper. Helk, we have two dogs, I’m happy there isn’t dog hair in my food! Not that I don’t clean, I do every day, but still, you have dogs, you have fur! But the fact of the matter is, they hate me because I won’t let Maggie go visit Grandma J at her house. I will visit her just about anywhere else, but not at her house. I would like Maggie to hang out with her Grandma J, after all, she is the only biological grandparent she has left, but there are some things I can’t (won’t ) bend on.
You see, Grandma J lives with her sister and her mother. They smoke cigarettes all the time in the house…chain smoke. And they smoke pot in the house….a lot. Now, I will start by saying that pregnant or not, I puke for a good half hour when I leave there, so I made the choice to protect my daughter and my unborn child. I tried, they said they wouldn’t smoke while we were there, so I gave it a shot. It doesn’t help. I still throw up because there is so much smoke in the house that my lungs can’t handle it. I am sure not going to let my daughter be in an environment that makes me physically ill. My parents both smoked when I was growing up and I vowed to never ever ever make my kids breathe in that crap.
Great Grandma has been very sick. She had shingles and I believe she still does. Yet another reason I don’t want my daughter around her. I would love for Maggie to be able to visit with them, but basically, they have made it clear that unless we go to their house, they won’t see her. Then they bad mouth me and blame me and say I don’t want Maggie to get to know them. We have offered to pay for their gas, go pick them up, meet them somewhere, whatever works, but 95% of the time, they say no and have some reason that won’t work.
I have tried so hard to get the family together at our house for the holidays, but his family doesn’t want to. They fight it every time. They did come out for Christmas, and last Easter, but otherwise, we don’t see them for holidays which sucks for John. I do feel bad, that’s not what I am trying to do, but I will always protect my children and I will not apologize for doing what I feel is the best thing for them. Now, John and I were fighting about the smoke thing before we ever conceived Maggie and he realized how I felt and how strongly I felt about it. We came to an agreement. Yet every time, we have a huge fight about it. It really sucks. Every single holiday starts with a fight because of it. His family makes him feel so crappy about it and guilts him about not going to his moms house that he feels we need to fight about it.
The day before Easter, we were supposed to go to his moms to visit….outside. That didn’t work out since it rained most of the day. So, the fight started before Easter this time around, and lasted through most of yesterday. Aside from the fact that the smoke in the house makes me sick normally, even a whiff of cigarette smoke makes me barf really bad with this pregnancy. John was around somebody one day that smoked, and he got home and tried to kiss me and had to go shower and wash his clothes immediately because I couldn’t stand the whiff of it on him without barfing. Yet, because of the guilting from his family, each time, he says, oh you can handle it for a few hours can’t you…it’s okay if you vomit while we are there, they will understand. Are you fricking kidding me!!!!!! Not going to happen. Sorry !
That’s my rant for today. I cry and cry over this. I try to clear my head and think…is it really bad for Maggie and this unborn baby…and every time, the answer to me is still yes. If it makes me sick, it can’t possibly be good for them. John will argue that everything is a danger to Maggie, but all I can say is, talk to her pediatrician. If she says Yes, take your daughter into a house like that, then we will talk. But I know that the doc would never say that. Every single appointment, we get paperwork that specifically says not to put your child in that environment.
Have any of you been in a situation like this? I am open to advice because I can’t handle having every single holiday ruined because of this.
Wow, what a situation you are put in! But I have to say, your husband is probably caught between a rock and a hard place too. He’s probably having his ear bent off by his side of the family about how he’s letting his wife run things, even though he knows that you are right about what you are saying. My Dr. phil advice is that you two are creating your own family and you have to make your own decisions. If their house isn’t safe and they won’t come to your house, maybe a restaurant or 3rd party place? Safe ground for everyone? Good luck girl!!
I know he is and it sucks. I told him that his family needs to let us make our own decisions as parents. We don’t judge how his siblings raise their children, it would be nice to get the same in return. We have tried to get her to meet us anywhere! But most of the time, there’s some reason that won’t work. Plus I figured that would be neutral ground for all.
Thanks!
Following you back from the hop, thanks for stopping by CRichmanFreebies!!!
Thank you!
Oh, that sucks. I went through a similar situation with my first child. My dad smoked, though never in the house, but I’d make him change his clothes before he held my daughter. I guess because he was my dad, he never fought me on it. My mother in law at the time also smoked and her house reeked of smoke. I made it clear as soon as I found out I was pregnant that my children would not be over there at all and that she would never be allowed to smoke around them, not even outside. My husband and I fought a lot over it, but my mother in law saw that I was serious and quit smoking several months before the baby was born. Thankfully, their house had only had one smoker and by the time the baby was born, it had cleared out. Of course, now I’m divorced from the kids father and now not only does my mother in law smoke again but so does my kids dad and their new step mom. But I don’t get to say anything about that now, unfortunately.
I think you should stand your ground. You are being more than accommodating and if they want to see your kids, they will come around. I also think your husband needs to come around and support you. His family won’t fight him as much if they see this as HIS rule, not just yours. You guys need a united front. He needs to support this not just because you do, but because he values the health of his children. There are too many childhood illnesses that are caused from secondhand smoke, including chronic ear infections and SIDS. They should appreciate you standing up for your children’s health and be grateful that you’re a good mom! Hang tight – I know it’s hard!
Oh, and new follower from the blog hop!
Supposedly he says that it is our decision when he is talking to his family. He says that he tells them that yes it is hard, but we both want what’s best for our children. I have told him and his family that if my uncle that raised me still smoked, I would feel the same way, luckily, his daughter put her foot down 17 years ago and I didn’t have to.
I have told him, look at how often your nieces are sick because they are always at his moms house. Not saying that is the reason, but probably has something to do with it. I like that my daughter isn’t sick very often and don’t intend to do anything to change that. His mom just keeps telling him – tons of kids are around smoke every day and they are fine. They don’t want to look at the kids that aren’t fine because of it. I have even invited her to go with to Maggie’s doctor appointment and speak with the doctor about that (the doc knows and agreed to do this), but she won’t go.
Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the encouragement. I figured after 18 months, they would realize that this isn’t going to change.